Early in my years as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I tried to find how I fit in the Church from the Lord’s perspective. (I already had the Saint’s perspective) I searched the scriptures for some answers. As I picked up and read the Pearl of Great Price, I was attracted to the story of Noah and the seven other souls righteous enough to survive God’s wrath by flood. (Abraham 1:23-24) Basically, Noah, his three sons, and their wives had the faith to enter the boat. Wait -what?! Isn’t Ham’s wife black, I thought? This flew in the face of the logic at the time that blacks were not as valiant. I was also intrigued that this is probably the first recorded instance of an interracial couple that I knew of. How did they fare together?
I suppose I dwelled on that because in the back of my mind I knew this may be a possibility for me. At that time, I was the only black member that I knew of, east of the Mississippi. I certainly didn’t see any blacks in any Utah pictures or videos. Perhaps I’d find a white woman brave enough to overcome the challenges foretold by the leaders of the Church. I mean, I thought all women liked their men to be tall, dark, and handsome. At least, I reasoned to myself, that I fit one of those criteria. Keep in mind that I never had a disposition to be rebellious of the Brethren’s council. I always felt like I had to choose between two “evils”, to not marry at all, or marrying someone of a different race.
The biggest thing I kept hearing about interracial marriages (and even just marriage in itself) is the amount of differences that would be a burden on the marriage. So, when I had come to the point where I wanted my ‘Irish fireball’ as my eternal companion, I wanted her to be sure if she could deal with differences, she seemed undaunted. I guess I found a brave woman after all. When we did get married, the words of the Brethren came true more than I had ever expected. Differences like picking the lo-o-o-ng string of hair off your shoulder that travels around your ear, across your upper lip, and through your eyebrow before it finally dislodges from you is a big adjustment for a black man. Besides these little differences, there are big differences, cultural differences, gender differences, physical differences enough to make your head spin. We’ve had endless spats over our differences. This very instance is pointed out in John Gottman’s book, ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’. In it he states that one of the most surprising truths about marriage is that ‘most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values’ (1999)
Did this mean the doom of our relationship due our many differences? I beg to differ. Last week I wrote in my blog about how anyone can overcome any obstacle. I was amazed when I read this week from H. W. Goddard’s “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”. He mirrored what I said in his introduction, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (2009)
For some reason, this reminds of a funny ‘discussion’ I had with my wife and her brother about exercise. I believe I was saying in jest to my brother-in-law that Kim and I are so different that we smell different after we exercise – she smells like wet chicken (for those who don’t know, that is in reference to the old TV show “Roots” where this is mentioned). She retorted back sarcastically, “Well, you smell like booty!” (I hope she was kidding) Her brother then chimes in, “Well look on the bright side, that just means your children must smell like wet chicken booty”.
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Introduction. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. p. 15.
Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Purpose of Marriage. New York: Random House LLC. p. 28.
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