The saying is true that “No one cares about what you know until they know how much you care.” This statement holds true in the workplace, in raising my children, and especially in my relationship with my wife. This was a confusing concept for me to grasp, at first. In my youth, I survived living in the ‘hood by using my intellect. I dodged the bullies and jealous idlers, who hated seeing a man trying to get ahead. I outwitted abuse and overcame neglect with knowledge. I even had to compete with the bias of the black women I encountered and dated that I was smart enough to get ahead in this world.
It comes as a surprise to me when I arrive home from a hard day’s work, open the door, and immediately get pummeled by the events my wife encountered throughout the day. (A slight exaggeration, but you get the point) I barely get to smell the scent of home before I hear about something that got broken, the fight she had with a daughter, money, etc. Of course, in my pursuit to alight in a comfy chair I rely on my tried and true intellect to quickly rescue my wife from all her woes and troubles, but I really just want to sit down. I give her this advice to fix this thing, I advise her what to do about that child. No effect. My wife continues her onslaught.
I would then hold back the offense that my wife had just thrown away my precious knowledge – knowledge that took so long for me to acquire, such sacrifice to obtain, and much diligence to achieve. Usually, I’d get frustrated and slightly offended by what I would perceive as my wife’s lack of confidence in me. I’m not saying I have all the answers of the universe, but it’s nice to feel acknowledged for the little bit that I do know. But, I have learned from past experience and many lessons from Church and classes that it’s a losing battle to justify yourself by being sarcastic or offensive in some way or another to retaliate.
Recently I read something from my marriage class that reminds me of how I truly should be when it comes to controlling myself. It is a paragraph entitled, “Replacing evil with goodness” (Goddard 2009) where basically, it gives a parable of how the Lord cast an evil spirit out of a boy. Then goes on to say, “It is not enough to cast out evil. We need more. …It takes faith in the Lord to remove evil from our marriage and bring them to vibrant life”. (p. 55) It’s language like that in which I keep mindful of how I should be to my wife. Not only do I keep my mouth shut, but I must do as what another class lesson taught me, and that is: turn toward each other instead of away from each other. “Turning towards”, John Gottman says, “operates under the law of positive feedback – like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small, yet generate enormous amounts” (2009, p. 89)
So, in order to “turn toward my wife” and support her, I look straight at her and can only get out a mere “mhmm” as she yammers on. Then suddenly, a change comes over my wife. Her eyes and emotion brighten. She speaks with more intent as she notices that she actually has my attention and not vying for it. I say a few more “mhmm”’s – not in casual listening, but to keep myself from solving her problems, or telling her it will all be okay. The “mhmm”’s seem to navigate well through the myriad subjects she’d switch to on a spur of the moment. They would also avoid the mindreading that we men sometimes are faulted for not doing. There is no sarcasm suspected or anything suspicious about an “mhmm”. It keeps me behaving right. It is direct, honest, and just simple. (Men like simple).
While I mused on this magical word, a thought comes to mind of my cat that constantly likes to rub up against me. I’d say, “Go away Adonis, I know you want loving, but I’m busy now”. Then it hit me. A cat has its own way to communicate and say’ “I love you”, so does my wife. With that thought in mind, I continue with the “mhmm”’s and before you know it, my wife is happy, relieved and unburdened, going about doing her next bit of business. I sit down, shout out to my wife that I love her and pet the cat.
(edited by Heidi Roemmele)
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Replacing evil with goodness. Cedar Hills, UT. Joymap Publishing. p. 55.
Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Purpose of Marriage. New York: Random House LLC. p. 261.
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