In over twenty years, I can honestly say that my wallet has never housed a fifty-dollar bill. Oh, I remember the days when my wallet was full of money and I felt the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do – not that I would, but that I could. What a good feeling that was. It’s ironic that over the years there was a transformation of my wallet being fat and me being skinny, to my wallet becoming skinny and me getting fatter. What happened? My suspicion lies when I got married to Kim. That’s when the transformation began.
Not that I’m complaining, mind you. It’s just a mere observation of mine. I was aware of what I was getting myself into when I got married. I remembered the lessons about marital authority or, what I call, “power struggles” that are repeated from time to time from the Church leaders. One in particular, by Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley, really caught my attention. He said, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey” (2002). When I look at what he said at face value, the idea is so simple and elegant. But in my reality, the idea was such a contradiction in my life and what I was taught from childhood on.
I was, with no exception, taught as a child that the man was “the head or authority of the home”. Yet, societally, I grew up in an era of “women empowerment” – especially for the black woman. With governmental support for women’s rights and educational scholarships (none for men!) – with the supposed intention to better the lives of women as well as the attitude spread among women that “you can’t depend on a man”, for which I am personally an “ear-witness” to – caused an unintentional rift or change in the balance of power, especially among blacks. You could google sites like these: https://www.theroot.com/black-women-now-the-most-educated-group-in-us-1790855540 , the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education (https://www.jbhe.com/news_views/51_gendergap_universities.html) or the American Psychology Association ( https://www.apa.org/workforce/publications/13-demographics) if you think I am exaggerating.
Such “power struggles” entered my first marriage with a black woman and that eventually was a key factor in the dissolution of our marriage. (I say that with sadness – for I feel like a failure, even though at the time, I felt powerless) Then I remarried with Kim. Kim left a marriage in which she felt she had no power. She, too, felt controlled and had very low self-esteem. She was unhappy. After all, she was the oldest of her sibling brother. She was the alpha-female. When she got to know me, she saw that I was different than her former husband (I know all this because, well, she told me). Yet, because of ethnic, economic, cultural and peer differences, I began to see “power strugglings” beginning to surface between us, especially in raising kids and finances.
The difference this time was the words of the General Authorities (GA’s) that you and your spouse are “equal partners”. I still remember the day when Kim and I came to an impasse about finances. I wanted to conserve. She wanted some breathing room. I remembered vividly how I swallowed my pride and slowly handed over the checkbook to her (keeping the words of the GA’s in mind). Even though I was the breadwinner, I’ve learned to compromise. It wasn’t easy for me, but I knew it was good for her.
Twenty years and 7 kids later, I look into my anorexic wallet and wonder if I made the right choice. After all, if I had done things my way, and everything had gone accordingly as planned, we’d be totally debt-free. We’d be on easy street. But alas, we still struggle from day to day. I must say, though, that there was one dividend that came out of this – the growth of my wife. Pres. Hinckley said of his wife: “I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.” (2003) I look at my wife’s transformation and confidence, and it is striking how much she has grown. Yes, it was and is definitely worth it, to me.
Still, the man in me wants to withdraw some money and go buy a double cheeseburger without having to get consent from my wife. I’ve worked hard to earn that right. It’s my money anyways! On second thought, I’d better strike out this last paragraph before my wife reads it.
References
Hinckley, G. B. (2002). Ensign. Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood. p 52.
Hinckley, G. B. (2003). Ensign. At Home with the Hinckleys. Longing for Family Joy pp. 22, 27.
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