It was in the most unlikely place where I learned a profound lesson on how to view the opposite sex. Back in 1987, while attending the Mission Training Center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, a concerned missionary asked the General Authority who was addressing us (I believe it was J. Richard Clarke), how can he keep his mind pure when a lady walks past him in a pretty outfit? The reply went something like: “If you look once, you’re normal. If you look twice, you’re in trouble. If you don’t look at all, you’re homosexual!” Bursts of laughter filled the MTC after the third point, which we all knew was said in humor (or was it?). Anyways, I took from it that the beauty of a woman is not a bad thing. It is okay to have feelings of attraction to a woman.
You’d think that naturally goes without saying, but I’ve lived in a world of taboos, “Thou shalt nots”, or criticisms of women toward men that caused paranoia within me to even say the word ‘female’ and ‘sex’ in the same sentence without feeling shame or embarrassment. And to be honest, it was hard be to intimate when I first got married. I had to shake the program in my mind that sex and intimacy were bad (after 6 children, I think managed to overcome it.). In an article by Sean E. Brotherson, speaking on ignorance and inhibitions, he says, “Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love.” (2003) That was certainly me.
In my determination, I set forth to work on my mental state and remind myself that it is okay to “look once” and to have frank conversations about sex and things intimate. In doing so, I’ve come to see women in a fuller light. I see that the most beautiful thing about women is that it is endless. Like the endless varieties of flowers, who can say one flower is prettier than another? One may prefer a certain style, but each flower has its own individuality. This is why I dislike beauty pageants. It gives the notion that one beauty is above another. In reality God is trying to tell us that some things are eternal, like beauty (read the lyrics of the LDS hymn “If You Could Hie to Kolob”). I just look at all the women in my Family 300 class, they are all beautiful and it tells me that there must be a God. Their pretty faces couldn’t have been created by accident. But I’m digressing. The point is, I can enjoy “looking once” without going too far.
But the question comes, what is considered too far? What happens when you “look twice”? For that answer, ask those who are addicted to pornography. I have two children who have had a problem with it. True, not all people will be affected as others, but you would be amazed how overwhelming the internet can be. It doesn’t take long for it to happen and it is accessible. Looks can transfer into actions. That is how we are designed. Just remember to stay within the bounds the Lord has set and you’ll be okay.
You can also go beyond “the look”. In 2006, a woman made national news by fatally shooting her preacher husband in the back. Her name is Mary Winkler, from Selmer, TN. (not far from where I live) One of her reasons for her actions was that he made her wear a wig and “slutty” costumes. I’m not giving an opinion on the case itself. I am more concentrating about everyone’s reaction to her husband’s demands for intimacy. I understand the importance of respecting her, but are we, on the other hand, that mortified to justify killing a man over it?
I was so intrigued by the media’s portrayal of the event, that I actually polled people on this. Of the 10 or so people I talked to 4 black women found nothing wrong with dressing up for their man. The few white men I asked, they were unanimous in being afraid now to ask their woman for anything, that it was another way for women to control them. The white women, on the other hand (including my wife) was mortified that Mary were treated that way. Through my polling, I saw how ethnicity/peer influence can affect the way we think. Mary got off with a light sentence. I simply just told my wife that I am ignorant of how to be intimate and she shows me what to do. Best thing I ever did.
References
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”. Meridian Magazine, http://www.meridianmagazine.com.
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