Lucky for me, my wife did lower her expectations. As most couples come to find out, there is a big difference between what we expect each other to be and who we really are. Oh, I remember the honeymoon days of the ‘knight-in-shining-armor’ bravado, and the ‘damsel-in-distress’ portrayal that we played. We even had a metal knight named ‘Wesley’ standing at our door. We were the cliched hopeless romantics, defiant of all the onlookers and naysayers who disapproved of our union. There were whispers of, “They shouldn’t have so many kids.” “Look what they are putting them through.”, they’d say (giving the notion that since our kids will be mixed, they will have a hard life not fitting in with the blacks or the whites). Yet, we sallied forth with the confidence that we, with faith as our sword, could slay any ‘dragon’ that would come our way. My wife and I both had previous relationships that didn’t work prior to our marriage and we knew we could avoid the same errors in our relationship.

Who knew that our ‘dragon’ was actually a bunch of little dragons that we had within ourselves, and has been there for a long time. One of the dragons we called: ‘Selfishness’. And another: ‘Imperfections’. Let’s not forget the dragon we dubbed, ‘Unfairness’ We even found ‘Differences’, as well as others that popped up. We didn’t count on these little fire hazards applying so much heat into our relationship. We, as veteran fighters fought long and hard, yet still felt like novices. As I worked on my second marriage, I began to see that I still needed to work just as hard, or harder, with my new wife as I did with my first.

My observation has been confirmed in H. Wallace Goddard’s “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, on page 49, he recounted a quote from marriage therapist Daniel Wile who said that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. “Each potential relationship has its own particular set of inescapable recurring problems…. There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years. We can be mad or cheated because of those problems. We can move on to another relationship – which will inevitably have its own set of problems. Or we can become experts in dealing with the particular challenges faced in our current relationship.” (2009)

Fast forward twenty years and ‘Wesley’ is gone and probably rusting out in front of some antique or video store. The dragons? Well, they are not slain, but they are now mostly domesticated and don’t rear up to cause us as much havoc anymore. It doesn’t mean that the dragons don’t, from time to time, decide to ‘flair up’. They sure do. They fought us hard, and I humbly say, they taught us some powerful and valuable lessons. One of the best lessons is that we are all lumps of coal – with a lot of pressure and heat we become diamonds.  I now see that heat, time, and pressure has transformed us (kids included) into hardened, better beings. I guess the cliché is true: ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ It has turned my love for my wife into something more than a fairy tale, more noble than a knight, more beautiful than a damsel, sharper than any sword, and stronger than any armor, and that is – commitment.

As we look back, we see that change comes, even at our age. It just happens in our own time and way, not through the hypocritical way of ‘expectations’. This eternal ability to change is accredited to and made possible by the very God who condescended below us all with his sacrifice. This knowledge is the mainstay of our marriage, the hope of the Saints, and of our first parents, Adam and Eve. I believe God had this in mind when He laid the foundation of this earth. “And I, God, saw everything that I made, and, behold, all things which I had made were very good….” (Moses 2:31)

(edited by Liz Morrison)

References Goddard, H. W. 2009. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, UT. Building character through sacrifice. p 49.

Early in my years as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I tried to find how I fit in the Church from the Lord’s perspective. (I already had the Saint’s perspective) I searched the scriptures for some answers. As I picked up and read the Pearl of Great Price, I was attracted to the story of Noah and the seven other souls righteous enough to survive God’s wrath by flood. (Abraham 1:23-24) Basically, Noah, his three sons, and their wives had the faith to enter the boat. Wait -what?! Isn’t Ham’s wife black, I thought? This flew in the face of the logic at the time that blacks were not as valiant. I was also intrigued that this is probably the first recorded instance of an interracial couple that I knew of. How did they fare together?

I suppose I dwelled on that because in the back of my mind I knew this may be a possibility for me. At that time, I was the only black member that I knew of, east of the Mississippi. I certainly didn’t see any blacks in any Utah pictures or videos. Perhaps I’d find a white woman brave enough to overcome the challenges foretold by the leaders of the Church. I mean, I thought all women liked their men to be tall, dark, and handsome. At least, I reasoned to myself, that I fit one of those criteria. Keep in mind that I never had a disposition to be rebellious of the Brethren’s council. I always felt like I had to choose between two “evils”, to not marry at all, or marrying someone of a different race.

The biggest thing I kept hearing about interracial marriages (and even just marriage in itself) is the amount of differences that would be a burden on the marriage. So, when I had come to the point where I wanted my ‘Irish fireball’ as my eternal companion, I wanted her to be sure if she could deal with differences, she seemed undaunted. I guess I found a brave woman after all. When we did get married, the words of the Brethren came true more than I had ever expected. Differences like picking the lo-o-o-ng string of hair off your shoulder that travels around your ear, across your upper lip, and through your eyebrow before it finally dislodges from you is a big adjustment for a black man. Besides these little differences, there are big differences, cultural differences, gender differences, physical differences enough to make your head spin. We’ve had endless spats over our differences. This very instance is pointed out in John Gottman’s book, ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’. In it he states that one of the most surprising truths about marriage is that ‘most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values’ (1999)

Did this mean the doom of our relationship due our many differences? I beg to differ. Last week I wrote in my blog about how anyone can overcome any obstacle. I was amazed when I read this week from H. W. Goddard’s “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”. He mirrored what I said in his introduction, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (2009)

 For some reason, this reminds of a funny ‘discussion’ I had with my wife and her brother about exercise. I believe I was saying in jest to my brother-in-law that Kim and I are so different that we smell different after we exercise – she smells like wet chicken (for those who don’t know, that is in reference to the old TV show “Roots” where this is mentioned). She retorted back sarcastically, “Well, you smell like booty!” (I hope she was kidding) Her brother then chimes in, “Well look on the bright side, that just means your children must smell like wet chicken booty”.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Introduction. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. p. 15.

Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Purpose of Marriage. New York: Random House LLC. p. 28.

Jesus Christ, who is the light of the world, is rumored, (as well as his Church – D&C 20:1), to come forth in the early spring (April 6) in Bethlehem, Israel. A pivotal moment began. Joseph Smith saw a ‘pillar of light’ early in the spring of 1820 in Palmyra, New York (Joseph Smith History 1:14-16, Pearl of Great Price (PGP)). A pivotal moment began again. In 1978 on an Easter Sunday morning, in front of the White Lily Baptist Church in Pittsburgh, Pa., a pivotal moment came upon me personally as I wrestled to belief that, is there a God? As I could not deny the existence of God, I humbled myself into accepting the fact that there must be one. This instinctively meant that I must change and serve God. This was the beginning of my relationship with God. For little did I realize then that as a man honestly ‘comes unto Christ’, the Lord will meet you halfway. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it shall be opened unto you….” (Matthew 7:7 King James Version (KJV), emphasis added)

For not long after started my quest for God, did I go out of the black projects where I lived, to go visit my white friends that I got to know in the next neighborhood. As I neared the door and was about to knock, some force just completely froze me that I could not move. Everything became completely black, except for the light that gathered around two young men in suits as I peered through the door window. A mild, tender voice uttered out of the darkness and spoke in a manner as if we were already having a conversation, and said, “This is it.” Although the voice was mild, the voice shook through like close-by sub-woofers at a rock concert. I knew these two men were angels from God.

When I was invited in and gave my pleasantries to my friends, they introduced me to the two young angels. Elder Pratt and Elder Jones. They reminded me of the number ‘10’. Elder Jones was tall and skinny. Elder Pratt was rotund. I had this insatiable desire to learn from them, after all, if you had the chance to talk to angels, wouldn’t you? “Well Dane, we’d like to teach you, but we’ve been counseled not to. (Because of the black not being able to hold the Priesthood issue)” My heart sank. Two weeks later, Sister missionaries took the place of the Elders and they had no problem teaching me. I ate the discussions up like candy. I knew this is God’s church and he was having me learn of him. But the next step was to go to church. I was terrified to enter that building of all white people. I felt like Donald Trump entering a liberal rally.

I stepped inside, and after the first handshake. I knew I would be fine. I knew God had answered my unspoken prayer. After the sacrament meeting, everyone split up and I got to go to something called the Priesthood meeting. There we got split up again to meet with the youth. The teacher (in discussing Scouts) asked me if I was ever a Brownie. While the class laughed and I gave a forced grin. I was shaken by the experience I had while he was talking. Although a part of me wanted to point out to him that his toupee is not on straight (shame on me), another part of me marveled at the ‘glow’ around him and around the others as well. I realized, years later, that God was not done speaking with me. I was having a revelation that this glow or mantle was the Priesthood of God and it was critical, that of all things on Earth I need to do, I better obtain that power or I would eternally regret it. I wasn’t long after that it was announced that Blacks could hold the Priesthood. While tears of joy and relief hit the Saints. Quiet reassurance covered my soul – for I knew the Lord had made a way for me to come to him. Although I may fall short from time to time, I press forward to be a disciple of Christ.

Now you may wonder what a part of my conversion story has to do with what I

learned this week, which was eternal marriage. Well, when I started reading Pres. Benson’s message, “What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple”, my conversion story came flooding back into my mind with a new perspective on the Priesthood. I now see it as a way to come to know God, especially when I read this part, “Moses taught this order of priesthood to his people and “sought diligently to sanctify his people that they might behold the face of God” (Benson 1986) I strongly feel that we cannot have an eternal marriage unless we first ‘marry’ ourselves to God. For “Endless and Eternal is my name. (Moses 7:35 PGP) “…Blessed are they who are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb…” (Revelations 19:9 KJV) Elder Bednar said, “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in him”. Because of and through Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together.” (2006)

I have learned from hard experience that this is the case. You cannot just do the ordinance and consider yourself safe. Putting the Lord in your Eternal marriage by living the commandments is the only to go. It transcends race, culture, circumstance or environment. It is as clear as black and white to me.

References

Bednar, D. A. June 2006. Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, principle 3.

Benson, E. T. April 1986. What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple. Liahona, 1.

  Do you remember that good old catchy Sesame Street song with three or more things that are similar and one of those things didn’t match? I remember singing that in my head as I formally met Kim’s family for the first time at Christmas. That in itself was a major event because prior to that, her whole family line – cousins and all decided to disown Kim when they found out she was marrying me. Her dad, a month before, said he’d never speak to her again and her brother wanted to punch me in the face. I warned Kim before we made the decision to marry that she may get persecutions, but she never wavered. Yet, she was surprised by the magnitude of the persecution in places that she never expected. Again, she stood against it all. This is one of the things about her that I will always love about Kim. A black man is told a lot, indirectly and unconsciously, that he is not worthy of such and such -whether it be education, country-clubs, etc., etc. We are told this a lot by the few discriminating ones who are vocal and not average good person who are the silent majority. It is so special to me that here is a woman who said by her actions that, yes, I am worthy of good things.

At the same time this was happening, Kim’s cousin decided that she was done with men and started dating other women – another shock to the family. Yet, Kim was confused as to why she gets a pass, (because the family wasn’t too keen about (LGBTQ and any other alphabet that fits, either.) When she asked her father about it, he replied, “I’d rather have a gay family member than a black family member (I’m sure he used another word for ‘black family member’)”. When I heard that he said that, the Sesame Street song pealed again in the back of my mind like a siren. I have always gritted my teeth at the comparison of race issues with gender issues. Even though they are both social issues, homosexuality and lesbianism is about morality, and race or color is about attributes. It infuriates me that certain people prostitute the race issue in an attempt to make the gender issue valid.

Case in point is the 2015 Supreme Court’s usurpation to legalize same-sex marriage. In an appeal to the Court the same-sex marriage is relevant, the petitioners cited the Loving v. Virginia, (dealing with the unlawful ban on interracial marriages) as an example to validate their case. (Obergefell p. 11)  Basically, (I’m paraphrasing) it argues that the Loving case against Virginia (and other points) was unconstitutional, therefore they must consider same-sex marriage as unconstitutional) I’m, from time to time, confronted by gays and those sympathetic of making their causes legit use the race issue as a shoe in and I reject that. Don’t get me wrong, I love the person, just not some of their choices. And most important, I feel that lumping their agenda in with the race issue gives the impression that I agree with theirs of which I feel is wrong, which is not the case. Chief Justice John Roberts, who dissented from the decision, stated my point saying, “Removing racial barriers to marriage therefore did not change what a marriage was any more than integrating schools changed what a school was.” (Obergefell p. 16) Judge Samuel Alito, another dissenting vote, in his take on the same-sex ruling said, “It will be used to vilify Americans who are unwilling to assent to the new orthodoxy. In the course of its opinion, the majority compares traditional marriage laws to laws that denied equal treatment for African-Americans and women. The implications of this analogy will be exploited by those who are determined to stamp out every vestige of dissent.” (Obergefell p. 6) Issues like same-sex marriage will change the definition of marriage, indeed.

I felt slightly humiliated that Kim’s dad would rather put up with a homosexual than with a black man (from a moral point of view), but I continued with charity and love toward him, Kim’s family, and my fellow man. On Christmas morning, Kim was going to drop off her dad’s present, at her dad’s door. (since she wasn’t invited to their family Christmas).  In seeing this, her father gave in and invited us in. This was the ice breaker. Over a short time, to mine and Kim’s surprise, her dad ended up loving me almost more than his own kids. (Kim will attest to that). In fact, he refused to go to family functions unless I was invited. That got me introduced to the rest of the family. Even though I didn’t make a complete transform of Kim’s family to like blacks, I did have an effect for the positive in most of their attitudes.

I decided to show her father who I really am, even through persecution and outrage, and that I am not just a stereotype.  I have learned that righteousness and goodness shines through any form of ‘darkness’. Even as the world tries to make you change your mind over moral issues through legislation, criticism, or hate, I have learned that if you stand firm of who you are, if you stand for the right, you will shine forth, even to the dissolving of the darkness. In watching the video ‘The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges’ (Dushku 2015), the backdrop has hanging a quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks that sums up my blog: “Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values” (Oaks 2014)

References

Obergefell el al. v. Hodges (2015). Opinion of the Court. p. 11. Supreme Court of the United States.

Obergefell el al. v. Hodges (2015). Roberts, C. J., dissenting. p. 16. Supreme Court of the United States.

Obergefell el al. v. Hodges (2015). Alito, J., dissenting. p. 6. Supreme Court of the United States.

Dushku, Alexander (July 7, 2015). The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges. Religious Freedom Annual Review Conference. Brigham Young University.

Oaks, D. H. (November 2014). Loving Others and Living with Differences. Ensign

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

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