Being a big-city boy, steeped in ethnic black culture, and married to a small-town girl from a very racist family line – you would think we would clash due to those differences. We clash alright, but it is from the same issues I’ve dealt with from my first wife (keeping a clean house, finances, and other personal concepts we clashed with.) In fact, in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman calls these personal concepts “dreams”, “By dreams, I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are a part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (p. 238) It is amazing to me that something so small and seemingly insignificant as “dreams” are the cause of so much friction in a marriage instead of seemingly bigger influences like culture and environment.
Perhaps our Church and its ability to make its members “peculiar” is the culprit. (1 Peter 2:9) Peculiar nowadays means “odd” or “strange”. But the origin of the word is Latin for “one’s own”. I’ll use it as “the Lord’s own special brand of people.” I recall a time when my fellow choir members and I went out to the country to rehearse with another singer for the choir. I imagined a puzzled neighbor hearing country from across the farm yard, then comes rolling up a black man in his car listening to R&B music, then a Puerto Rican roll up in his car listening to Latino music, and then the man of house comes out and they all start singing, “I am a Child of God”. In this Church you’ll see doctors and lawyers alongside janitors and nursery workers and people of all various walks of life, coming together for a common cause. (especially in the temple) What is it that makes us so peculiar?
The book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” may give us a clue as to how this is so. In quoting Marvin J. Ashton, a former General Authority, H. W. Goddard cites, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down” (p. 116) It is sad that the one virtue that is essential to get into heaven (Ether 12:34) is so uncommon as to make those possessed with it ‘peculiar’. True charity, or the pure love of Christ ignores our differences and regards everyone the same – a child of God.
This one point has caused me to marvel at those who are religious and racist. (believe me, there are more of those than you think) If a person is trying to get back to Heavenly Father and he or she can’t tolerate being with any other race, how will they endure Heavenly Father’s kingdom that has infinite races? (read the last line of “If You Could Hie to Kolob”). I personally believe the great gulf that divides heaven and hell is the people’s ability to tolerate one another. I also believe that this is one of the reasons why marriage was instituted – that we may learn to tolerate one another. As Goddard puts it, “Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us” (p. 134)
When I look at any of my wife’s (or my children’s) improprieties or differences, I just remember that she, like me, is a child of God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ignoring the issues, I just look at how my wife was when we first got married and see that she has grown tremendously, and so have I (especially in the stomach area). I see that changing your perspective on how you view your wife is a form of charity. It has made a huge difference in my marriage. People in the past has accused me of being a charity case. Well, for this form of charity, I plead guilty.
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Conclusion. Cedar Hills, UT. Joymap Publishing. p. 134.
Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock. New York: Random House LLC. p. 238.
(Ether 12:34) And now I know that this love which thou hast had for the children of men is charity; wherefore, except men shall have charity they cannot inherit that place which thou hast prepared in the mansions of thy Father.
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